Operator, Can You Help Me?

God bless you if he/she selected your sorry ass to be on the other end of the telephone from me if you're in customer service.

What? I didn't pay Virginia state taxes for half the decade? Sounds like your fault for sending the reminders to the wrong address. Sound like a ridiculous statement bordering on being a non sequitor? It is. But when you start talking to the voice, everything changes.

The voice hates you. The voice sat down at its desk at 8:55, donned the headset and looked down to see 13 calls in queue. 13 angry motherf*ckers who have spent some of the first minutes of their day on hold.

At 8:58 the voice remembers the email she got at 4:54 yesterday saying that call volume would be high today because (insert company / organization here) was about to begin "Operation FacePoop", a reference to a new billing system that works by automatically deducting whatever it wants from your checking account every three minutes. The voice takes a deep breath, sighs, and wades in. For the next 8 hours. With a 1/2 hour lunch.

May I finish? It is incredibly important to get the voice to answer your questions. The voice will try to admonish you (for say, going on Phish tour and not filing a tax return) talk down at you or use your surname (Mr. Ofallwookies...Mr. Ofallwookies) in order to avoid a question it it has no answer to. You must remember that the voice works for you, dear reader, and if it isn't in the mood to answer your questions, well...

I'm going to have to ask to speak to your supervisor. The voice is not the supervisor. Ever. If the voice is smart, it transfers you to another voice, avoiding a possible reprimand. If you think this might be happening to you, go for the gold, tiger. The operating number. Asking for this is a surefire way to illicit, sometimes audibly, an suddenly clamped butthole from the end of the line. Today I was told that I wouldn't need it. But I just. Couldn't. Live. Without it.

"Mr. Offallwookies? Thank you for holding, sir. My supervisor is on her way."

Demand Satisfaction. Who does #1 work for? The supervisor is the granter of refunds, the gatekeeper of free shipping. Without going into explicit detail, explain why the voice was unhelpful, remembering that the voice and the supervisor may share hotdogs at the races. Calmly explain what you came for. When the supervisor doesn't grant your wish, see above and write a letter.

But you're not really gonna do that, are you?

Are you?

Oh yeah - don't curse. They can can you for that