Ask Trey

Dear Trey,

Are current CO2 emmissions levels to blame for global warming? All of my friends say they are, but then again, none of them believe in registering to vote of using condoms. (Just to be on the safe side, I set my car on fire last week so I won't drive it.)

Oh yeah - I totally started collecting Coke bottles to make a necklace for you for when you go to prison.

-Mihawala (My boyfriend told me it's Algonquin for "Works Instead of Boyfriend")

Dear Mihawala,

Are you f*cking kidding me? And not about the stupid f*cking name or the garbage that you want to hang around my neck...

Global warming and climate change due to carbon increased carbon emissions?

What do I say? "No, I don't, but I found it totally cool to drive around the country with 5 18-wheelers and 4 tourbuses for close to a decade? I think Al Gore's right, but he wouldn't mind so much that you guys drive 2-to-a-4Runner and I was responsible for some of the greatest SUV-laden all day traffic jams of the past 20 years? I approve of scare tactics like this disgusting "Public Service Announcement" whose airing on network television is an FCC mandate?"

F*ck you. How dare you consider me that f*cking naive.

All I ever asked you to do was pick up your f*cking garbage. And I still had to hire those of you who would actually work to pick most of it up after you left.


..........Hey - I'm really sorry. Let's just say that I'm "really stressed out" right now because "the man" is making sure I don't take my "medecine" by "taking a urine sample for opioids every 36 hours."

For more information on carbon emissions and their effect on the enviornment, check out the Oregon Petition's website. OK? I'll wear the necklace, too.

-Trey

Ask Trey

Ernest,

This is your lawyer. My secretary alerted me to this "column" where people ask you questions. Here's a couple off the top of head (in no particular order):

HEROIN?!?!?!?

What the f*ck on earth where you thinking?

Don't you remember that scene in The Godfather, where the heads of the Five Families are talking about "narcotics"?

Haven't enough of your heroes died or lived as shells of their former selves to freak you out a little?!?!?!?

Do you wanna look like this in a couple years?

Well, you may have no choice, 'cause it's gonna be a bitch (read: expensive; very expensive) to get rid of these charges, and that's the sort of get-up they'll have your skinny white ass in after about four days in the can.

Sound good?

- Sal Salamonianesto, Esq.

Sal,

Pebbles and Marbles, you know?


Trey Anastasio is the former guitar player for experimental-rock band Phish, and a junkie. His comments do not reflect the editorial stance of Wookiemania, or its parent company 1 For 3 | 2 For 5, LLC