The Law of Averages

Technically, there is nothing wrong with an average brunch. While a subpar bloody or bene' isn't as satisfying as a similar-quality pizza or roll in the proverbial hay with the proverbial farmer's daughter, the act of sharing a morning-ish meal with someone can ofter supersede good-enough-ish food.

SATURDAY
2:45AM

Author: Wow. This is probably the most sober I've been on a Friday night in, like, since I got here."

Evil Bad Person Who Made Me Do It: Yeah. I kinda wanna get drunk. Let's go get drunk.

Author: But I have to be up in the morning to feed the orphans before volunteering at the over-the-hill dogs for over-the-hill folks home in Trenton!!!

EBPWMMDI: C'mon.

Author: Right.

Needless to say, I woke up miles from my (new)(temporary) home in Bushwick (son!). Brunch being a meal best served close, we hit the streets for Alias.

Bloody: 2 of 5

Please don't think me a glutton or worse when I note that I expect my bloody in a pint glass with a real straw. One of the cocktail realm's truest triumphs, open to many brialliant interpretations, the bloody is an inherently messy beverage that needs the most direct delivery system possible. And it should be as big as possible.

This being said, I ordered the crustacean bloody which included an Old Bay'd rim, a shrimp or two on a skewer, lemon garnish and the "special blend of spices". Oh yeah - served in a water glass. Christ. What did they think? If their concoction had any real taste at all, they'd get a sucker like me to order 5 of them? Luckily it didn't.

Benedict: 2.5 of 5

Deviating from the classical standard in the land of Benedict is OK. There are rules one must understand before they can be broken:

• English muffin can be substituted for, but only by another bread-like product
• Canadian bacon can be substituted for, and here the rules are more lax - I've had excellent bene's featuring everything from crabcakes to smoked portabella mushrooms
• These two must be substituted for in a manner resembling the original Benedict structure

So - when I read that there's going to be Smithfield Virginia Ham and something called "goetta" described as a sort of less meaty scrapple on the menu, I expected the ham on top of the other stuff.

WRONG.

Meat under one egg, stuff under the other. Let me again reiterate: WRONG.

Eggs were perfectly poached and the whole thing was served with a nice mixed greens salad. Still - WRONG.

Service: 2.5 of 5

Eh.

Waitress was semi-attentive. (It's still up for debate whether I ordered the coffee that came to me) Food came out fast enough. Took a little while to get the check.

Whatever.

Price: 2 of 5

$10 for the beney and $7 for the "special" bloody.

Would have been pretty excellent if they had sprung for, oh, I don't know - a whole meal and not one piece of ham and a cocktail in a Dixie cup. The place apparently has Cincinnati roots, but it didn't seem all that authentic...Must have been their omission of Cheetos from the menu.

Alias
76 Clinton St., New York, NY 10002
at Rivington St.
212-505-5011

LATER THIS WEEK: DR. CHEWBAKKA HEADS TO BEAR COUNTRY FOR BRUNCH ON SOME GIRL NAMED JANE. STAY TUNED.