I Love Queens!!!

Excepting some really super subways rides following my deposit there by various forms of mass transport, I've never really spent much time in Queens. That all changed on Tuesday night when Drawler and I went to her cousin the actor's Halloween party in Astoria.

I knew I was in love with the place when I emerged from the subway to find the entire department of the NYPD in charge of saying "Bro!" blocking off the street and laughing amongst themselves. Out of the loop, I crossed the street and it was there that I saw what was so funny:

An SUV completely covered in blood!!!

That's right, folks. The blog that brings you (the occasional) definitive opinions on bloodys n ow brings you real actual effing blood!!!! This cartruck looked like a giant mosquito had just come from the plasma bar completely hammered and spring breaker vomited all over it. I wish the pictures were better, but in the three minutes it took my companion to realize she DID have her camera, the beast had been towed.

More blood at the bottom, and a big thanks to William for throwing a party just so I could meet "the dude in the opening credits with his shirt off" who made it to the final 50 of "So You Think You Can Dance."

Dekes In History Vol. 1

Deke Richards - Motown songwriter!

From some guy in some other band from the 60s:

I had a band in the 60s called the Four Sounds, a very successful bar band. Our friends were The Turtles, The Byrds, and we’d play Sunset Boulevard, and in the 60s there were tons of clubs. We did that for a few years and the guitar player was Deke Richards, he and Freddie Perren produced some of the biggest R&B songs of all time. Had a thing about never taking a bath. A white guy that always thought he was black, he would say “I cant take a bath because it would wash the soul off”. Another guy, the organ player, went on to form the Grass Roots. Well, we decided to get rid of Deke because he was getting kind of crazy, he said he was going to Hollywood and write R&B hits and he did just that and made millions. He wrote ‘ABC’ for the Jackson 5, amazingly huge copyrights.

Fuck. Yes. The guy's a combination of prodigious naming and KEEF, man! This dude was a member of "The Corporation" which were Berry Gordy's hired-gun hitmakers at Motown. "A white guy who always thought he was black..." Hang on, I just found a picture of him

About Brunch...

Faithful Readers -

As you can see, I am being held forcibly against my will. My captor is a savage who knows neither decency nor mercy. Even though hidden by a mask, I am aware of the name of the one who has taken me hostage:

Budget.

Yes, gentle reader(s), I am now fully and deeply committed to not spending all of my dubloons on weekend jags so terrifying to both liver and soul that they may only be sated by the sauce of the name "Hollandaise" and cocktails made from blood squeezed from a woman who's son all wars in the last 2000 years have been fought in the name of.

So - what sounds like more fun than a blog about a 7'8" beast that updates an Excel spreadsheet concerning its fiduciary status in order to stay somewhere above the poverty line?

Besides your mom?

The Land of The Depraved

They say Australia is the land of criminals.

Well, I say that it is. And I'll say it right to the face of any man from The Land Down Under that's at least two inches shorter than me and looks like he'd return a blow (grow up) with an open hand and a squeal. I'll also say it directly behind the backs of any Australians who don't fit said description.

And children.

I mean orphans.

Speaking of orphans and criminals, here's the story of a woman arrested for crushing beer cans between her breasts and her friend who was arrested for hanging nipples off her spoons.

One minute...ah...I said that wrong. Figure it out, teeny boppers and Donny and Marie fans.

Go 'Skins.

F*CK!!!!!

The greatest website in the entire world was shut down by effing Interpol just now. Those motherf*ckers can't find Carmen San Diego but they can shut down my source for free music?

(Story here)

I have spent thousands of dollars in my lifetime on recorded music. CDs get lost. Ask my father. A good many of my OiNK downloads were to replace CDs I'd lost or given away or records I wated digital copies of. Other bands saw me at their shows for the first (and in many cases, assuredly only) time because of music taken from OiNK.

I'm paying more than $1,000 a month in rent and bills. That's $12,000 a year. How much money do you think I make? What? Quit drinking or maybe smoking cigarettes? What fun is a party with one of my oldest friends if none of my other friends are invited?

So you know what Mr. Record Guy - That's it. I'm never buying another new musical item ever. I pledge it from this day forth. I will only make copies of friends' music or buy used records or CDs. No Christmas / birthday / goat sacrifice presents, no indulgences, no CDs from bands whose concert I am attending, even. No nothing.

Independent record labels: If you had any part in this, you Sam Jacobses of the world, shame on you. You're hurting your own acts by limiting our access to them. Your goal is to get better distribution or to sell your deal on an act. Without this, enjoy your 35% of nothing.

To you Spice Girls-producing child molesters who run the labels who instigated this: Go and get f*cked all day long. Every day forever. May your trophy wives or boyfriends explode into a wild year-long herpes outbreak.

Another site will emerge. I will join it. I will enjoy the f*cking of you for the rest of my life recorded music business people.

PS - Don't worry about getting me that fancy new iPod for Christmas or my birthday, loyal readers.

Mr. Of All Wookies? Washington Redskins Assistant Head Coach-Offense, Joe Bugel, Line One For You

That's right, folks.

I just got off the phone with Be-yoogs and it looks like I'm gonna be livin' the dream come Sunday.

The big show. Arizona at home.

What's that you say? At 5'8(1/2)" 167 lbs. I'd be the smallest animal to even play on an offensive line in the National Football League? My lack of any experience on a football field save charging one when my high school team (which I cheered REALLY loud for) won the DC city championship?

Whatever, hippie. I've got fire in my eyes and a stern glance which will strike great fear in the hearts of opposing defenders, some (most) of whom possess genitalia larger than my forearm. Also - Mike Sellers said he'd hook me up with the occasional chip block.

Updates to follow once I reach Redskin Park. One of The Danny's buddies is flying me down after work.

What A Day

It's 67 degrees in Manhattan today. The thin air is manifested in a clear blue sky that serves as no impedance to the sun whatsoever and holds only the light and immediate heat in it.

As a tribute to this glorious 24 hours, a special treat.

Enjoy.

Some Good Friends of Mine

As a good friend of mine once told a police officer, referring to me, outside Noblesville, Indiana, "You don't pick your friends. They pick you."

What he didn't add was that you CAN record them in different mediums and display them on your blog.

Lucky for them, nobody reads it.

Welcome

The entire staff of Wookiemania would like to extend a warm "RRRRRRRR-rrrrrr-A-rrrrrrrr- AAAARRRRRRRRRR" to the interweb's newest locale for reading about a 20-something woman's conversations with herself : "Let's Blog It Out"

(Ed. Note: The staff of Wookiemania would like to formerly apologize to the staff of "Let's Blog It Out" for our inappropriate actions during a recent sales meeting (right).

Please note that Isiah Thomas has been sacked as chief gender equality consultant at The 'Mania.

That is all.)

Brunch At The Lodge Redux

"I'll have two bloody marys, please." Author receives bloodys, produces a 10.

"That'll be $14."

"But they're two for one, no?"

"Yeah, but that's per person."

Long stare by author.

Yesterday's brunch at The Lodge in Williamsburg was perfect.

Dare I say it, wooks and wookettes -

5 of 5.

The service was wonderful.

The waitress independently verified my suspicion that, yes, the hollandaise that morning was pushing past all specified means. The eggs were apparently poached not by mortals, but demigods whose sole mission on this, this Wasteland, is bene-fection.

The bloodys were spot on and 2 for 1.

All for $15.

The Lodge is, as of right now, the hands-down best brunch in the 5 boroughs.

The Lodge
318 Grand @ Havemeyer
Brooklyn, NY G-MAP
718.486.9400

Take Me Down

It would be easy to say, "Hey, mister! Where's all the brunch reviews?" or "Hey partner! I thought we were gonna talk about bloody marys here!" and have two very valid points.

Unfortunately for you, writing about brunch is WAY harder than posting clips of Guns 'n F*cking Roses from 1988, when they ran for president as a band and I think they won.

Enjoy.

Al Sharpton's Frat Brothers

Hey! Where do you think YOU'RE going, son?!?

You'd better believe we saw you put that in your pocket! Those forks belong to the club!

Just kidding, Pedro! Oh!!! Oh, you should have seen the look on your little brown face!!!

Hey why don't you get Jerry, Frank and me another Mt. Gay?

Finally!!!

Worried your reception won't be this fun?

Concerned your in-laws (not pictured, but agency guarantees similarity) won't be living in your home within six months of your nuptials?

Are you from Crozet?

If you said, "Hell Yeah!" to any of these questions, gitcher mouse down to http://www.marryourdaughter.com

Yessir - fine Christian girls whose parents just can't wait to get 'em out the trailer!!!

Hat Tip: The inspiration for King of All Wookies

The Law of Averages

Technically, there is nothing wrong with an average brunch. While a subpar bloody or bene' isn't as satisfying as a similar-quality pizza or roll in the proverbial hay with the proverbial farmer's daughter, the act of sharing a morning-ish meal with someone can ofter supersede good-enough-ish food.

SATURDAY
2:45AM

Author: Wow. This is probably the most sober I've been on a Friday night in, like, since I got here."

Evil Bad Person Who Made Me Do It: Yeah. I kinda wanna get drunk. Let's go get drunk.

Author: But I have to be up in the morning to feed the orphans before volunteering at the over-the-hill dogs for over-the-hill folks home in Trenton!!!

EBPWMMDI: C'mon.

Author: Right.

Needless to say, I woke up miles from my (new)(temporary) home in Bushwick (son!). Brunch being a meal best served close, we hit the streets for Alias.

Bloody: 2 of 5

Please don't think me a glutton or worse when I note that I expect my bloody in a pint glass with a real straw. One of the cocktail realm's truest triumphs, open to many brialliant interpretations, the bloody is an inherently messy beverage that needs the most direct delivery system possible. And it should be as big as possible.

This being said, I ordered the crustacean bloody which included an Old Bay'd rim, a shrimp or two on a skewer, lemon garnish and the "special blend of spices". Oh yeah - served in a water glass. Christ. What did they think? If their concoction had any real taste at all, they'd get a sucker like me to order 5 of them? Luckily it didn't.

Benedict: 2.5 of 5

Deviating from the classical standard in the land of Benedict is OK. There are rules one must understand before they can be broken:

• English muffin can be substituted for, but only by another bread-like product
• Canadian bacon can be substituted for, and here the rules are more lax - I've had excellent bene's featuring everything from crabcakes to smoked portabella mushrooms
• These two must be substituted for in a manner resembling the original Benedict structure

So - when I read that there's going to be Smithfield Virginia Ham and something called "goetta" described as a sort of less meaty scrapple on the menu, I expected the ham on top of the other stuff.

WRONG.

Meat under one egg, stuff under the other. Let me again reiterate: WRONG.

Eggs were perfectly poached and the whole thing was served with a nice mixed greens salad. Still - WRONG.

Service: 2.5 of 5

Eh.

Waitress was semi-attentive. (It's still up for debate whether I ordered the coffee that came to me) Food came out fast enough. Took a little while to get the check.

Whatever.

Price: 2 of 5

$10 for the beney and $7 for the "special" bloody.

Would have been pretty excellent if they had sprung for, oh, I don't know - a whole meal and not one piece of ham and a cocktail in a Dixie cup. The place apparently has Cincinnati roots, but it didn't seem all that authentic...Must have been their omission of Cheetos from the menu.

Alias
76 Clinton St., New York, NY 10002
at Rivington St.
212-505-5011

LATER THIS WEEK: DR. CHEWBAKKA HEADS TO BEAR COUNTRY FOR BRUNCH ON SOME GIRL NAMED JANE. STAY TUNED.

UTRIS on iTUNES

Ladies and gentlemen, I have footage of the last UTRIS reunion show.
It was our first show in a while, so it's sort of a medley but The Kid looks great, doesn't he?


So - Make sure to go to The iTunes Music Store and load up your fancy new iPods with all of your favorite Utris jams.

Hooray!

Kayne West is bad as hell.

Kanye famously believes that George W. Bush hates black people.

Thusly, in celebration of the end of the political career of the second of GWB's most thuggish cronies, I send you a white guy in a tractor and a bathrobe doin' Kanye's "Stronger".

Unh!

Saturday Brunch

The Nice Jenkins were in town for gigs at Buskwick's Goodbye Blue Monday and The Ocatgon's CD release party tour which consisted entirely of last night's show and no CDs. Sandwiched between was a day of dinsoaurs and a night of bourbon dancing that spat me out on Saturday's sweaty sidewalks in Chelsea, which happen to be packed with brunch offerings. Deathray and I decided on a joint named Fiddlesticks.

Benedict: 3.5

The eggs were overcooked and the hollandaise was simply there. Big bland potatoes that were required a good deal of ketchup. The saving grace was the bread basket we were brought. A heavy, grainy semi-sweet bread that's baked fresh every day, it was the saving grace of the meal.

Bloody: 2

Whatever. Two drinks included with a dish sounded too good to be true these certainly lived down to that notion. Served in 10 oz. glasses with old celery, the mix was weak and thoughtless with a negligible amount of booze to go along with it. The "2" is because they both deserve a "1".

Service: 4.5

This may be the only time I give this score as long as the brunches I eat are served to me anywhere in New York City. Yes, folks - the 5 boroughs are, in my limited experience, home to the worst servers in the universe, whose open disdain for you and their profession is almost worth 18% sheerly for the audacity with which both are displayed.

However, our server Alisa was both attentive and friendly. Granted, we were her only table, but she wrote "Thanks, Darling" on my check and told me that she liked my wallet and sat down and didn't freak out when Deathray exhibited her dance moves, which call to mind an infant chipmunk mid-seizure.

Why no "5"? Gotta have my dogs in the tub for that shit.

Price: 4.5

$10. Awesome.

Why no "5"? See above. And free.

Remember kids, brunch is as much about who you're with and what you remember from the previous 12 hours as the food. So - I found a great place to sit outside and be near-broke at. And while I think Deathray gets her name from what it's like to try and listen to her over a meal, she does girls everywhere a great service by providing that wonderful signpost they can point to and say, "Well at least I'm not that crazy."

Fiddlesticks
56 Greenwich Avenue
New York, NY 10011
212 463-0516

Let The Good Times Roll

This video was taken right in front of my old subway stop right before a huge rainstorm stopped the show on the first day of summer. Everyone there got very wet, but the band played straight through stopping only when the power was pulled on them.

The name of this band is Cheeseburger, and I would like to nominate their debut self-titled album as one of the greatest of all times. Most songs are conveniently played in the same key with, even more conveniently, the exact same three chords!

Cheeseburger. Awesome.

Right, guy?

Mariachi Mania

We here at The 'Mania try to keep it light with the same gusto that we try to keep it real. The last thing America needs to do when fires up the ol' World Wide Interweb is be confronted by a Wookie.

But fuck this bitch.

Sorry. Let's lighten the mood with a little prayer. I'm sure the pictured would oblige. And just to make sure, let's make sure we all pray this to a Protestant god.

"Good god in heaven I pray today that in your humblest of humbilities your almighty sword of righteousness split this woman's heart with a massive coronary. And Lord, hear my prayer to let her soulless body still be warm in the ground when a hard-working, American Dream-worshiping, contributing-to-the-beautiful-quilt-of-our-society family of Honduran immigrants closes on a mortgage to buy her house with.

"May the children of this family go to the same schools the woman in this picture's children went to. May they play on the same suburban streets and sing the songs their parents taught them in Spanish directly over the grassy hillsides under which this shrew will be interned.

"We ask this in your name, Lord. Amen."

Gosh. That's way better than the pledge of allegiance.

For the Washington Post article in which this picture is featured, click here.

Scary Shit

Keep reading. This is not it.
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Ever seen a blind person smoke a cigarette? It weirds me way out.

What the fuck kind of sense does that make?

They can't see how cool they look. They can't see people instantly respecting them for their danger.

If scientists and my comic books agree, then these renegade blinds (definitely the preferred nomenclature, dude) must think cigarettes smell REALLY great in their clothes and hair.

Maybe there's a scent contained in cigarettes that your average sighty can't wrap his olfactory around and it's the most blissful thing in the universe.

Perhaps it's a million praying mantises all doing tai chi while humming a three-part harmony of "American Tune" around the bed you awake in next to this girl on top of the Sound of Music mountain still pretty drunk on a Sunday as she whispers, "Do you like brunch?" in your ear:

















Yes, yes. That must be it.