Original Gangsta

In fact, this motherf*cker right here was the FIRST!

Hat tip to the beautiful McKay.

UPDATE: Link Fixed.

F*cking Peyton

Dude won the Superbowl this year, so I can't say he never "won the big one" or that he didn't "have the ugliest head I've ever seen". Now I can't even say, "He's not really f*cking funny."

Enjoy.


Thanks to Tyler Durden for a great blog that I read with the regularity of a 45 year-old vegetarian.

God Bless The Russians

Stalin, Chernobyl, Stolichnya, and years of famine, plague, and inhuman cold only killed the weak ones. The survivors had kids like this little tiger.

Wow.

Budweiser

Budweiser rules. The people who sell it rule. That f*cking eagle rules, too, which is pretty great because as a general rule I hate eagles.

For example, it got me so 2002 drunk the other night that my friends were all "Whoa, duder. You never get like this," as I partied on. Bud pitchers at the bowling alley are only $7 bucks, and with $1 games, you can party all night on just a couple bucks!!!

I know that the logo over there isn't just for Budweiser, and that it represents a lot of beers that are not Budweiser. It even stands for stuff like Bacardi Silver coolers and stuff, which are OK if you're a 14 year old who wants to get drunk or the older dude who wants to make that happen never OK in any situation.

So this weekend, if you decide to be cool and come party with The Nice Jenkins, who party like this guy , drink Budweiser. If you don't - drink Bud anyway and thank Jesus your parents went to college.

Something for Friday

Good lord on a pickup bed full of watermelons. These are the cutest f*cking babies in the world.

Never mind what their names are (Henrietta & Skillet) or who they belong (people who owe me lots of money) or why I'm using this space to post pictures of them (ransom). How f*cking cute are these two?

The only thing that could make these two any cuter would be dressing them in matching Redskins cheerleader outfits. Or watching them drive a car. As a team.

Happy St. Patrick's day from Dr. Chewbakka, Henrietta, Skillet, and that guy behind you with the nail gun.

Patti Smith Is An Idiot

And The Rock And Roll Hall of Fame yearly inductions are for @ssholes. The same guys that decided to build their museum in Cleveland should be trusted to vote on dudes like Grandmaster Flash?

Patti Smith goes in to the RRHoF today and she isn't even worthy of being called an @sshole. Read her opinion being inducted in today's NYT, and try to hold back your most recent meal:

My late husband, Fred Sonic Smith, then of Detroit’s MC5, was a part of the brotherhood instrumental in forging a revolution: seeking to save the world with love and the electric guitar. He created aural autonomy yet did not have the constitution to survive all the complexities of existence.

First - MC5 were a one-hit wonder from Detroit. Their 1968 live rocker "Kick Out The Jams", with its single of the same name, is a kind-of classic. To say that this donated anything more to the world than being the first successful garage band is read said 14 year old's journal and, like, go, "Totally!" They didn't want to change the world, let alone save it. They wanted to smoke weed and bang chicks, leading the way for other Motor City greats like The Stooges and Ted Nugget to the exact same thing. Their next album, which was all about the hits, baby, was awful and the group disbanded shortly thereafter to raise kids and live in the real world.

Secondly - I may never read the New York Times again. I know its a Monday, but they let this idiot write about herself for 11 paragraphs? That garbage is "Fit to Print"?!? I'm amazed the piece isn't peppered with quotes from Jim Morrison or Wavy Gravy. Where are the "I love Fred" or "Mrs. Johnson is a B-I-T-C-H!!!!" doodles?

Tonight the above-mentioned will join Michael Stripe, Eddie Van Halen, and many others in getting up to pat themselves on the back and pretend to not notice that they have become the exact losers that they sought to wrest control from when they made the music that
got them to the podium.

Except Michael Anthony. He's been one wrong note away from the Bar-Mitzah circuit for 25 some years now and loves just who he is at this very moment.


And Patti - Your husband was a sh*tty guitar player.

Slow Day

They're beginning to pile up.

I know. One day I'll be peering past a coffee cup proclaiming me the week of 3/6-3/12/12's best sandpaper salesman and long for my days of solitude and rest. One day.

Until then, I'm coming to realize that, though my disdain for most of them is great, I need people.

What on Earth will ease my pain?
Better....

I know! What always cheers me up?

A Haiku For A Dying iPod

My iPod's en route
To her savoir. Her maker
She hasn't met yet.

Get better headphone jack. I can't lose you. Your my only hope.

Oh...Heh-row...

Wanna see what it looks like when 100 couples that all look the same have sex?

Here you go.

Ask Trey

Dear Trey,

Are current CO2 emmissions levels to blame for global warming? All of my friends say they are, but then again, none of them believe in registering to vote of using condoms. (Just to be on the safe side, I set my car on fire last week so I won't drive it.)

Oh yeah - I totally started collecting Coke bottles to make a necklace for you for when you go to prison.

-Mihawala (My boyfriend told me it's Algonquin for "Works Instead of Boyfriend")

Dear Mihawala,

Are you f*cking kidding me? And not about the stupid f*cking name or the garbage that you want to hang around my neck...

Global warming and climate change due to carbon increased carbon emissions?

What do I say? "No, I don't, but I found it totally cool to drive around the country with 5 18-wheelers and 4 tourbuses for close to a decade? I think Al Gore's right, but he wouldn't mind so much that you guys drive 2-to-a-4Runner and I was responsible for some of the greatest SUV-laden all day traffic jams of the past 20 years? I approve of scare tactics like this disgusting "Public Service Announcement" whose airing on network television is an FCC mandate?"

F*ck you. How dare you consider me that f*cking naive.

All I ever asked you to do was pick up your f*cking garbage. And I still had to hire those of you who would actually work to pick most of it up after you left.


..........Hey - I'm really sorry. Let's just say that I'm "really stressed out" right now because "the man" is making sure I don't take my "medecine" by "taking a urine sample for opioids every 36 hours."

For more information on carbon emissions and their effect on the enviornment, check out the Oregon Petition's website. OK? I'll wear the necklace, too.

-Trey

Why Am I Awake?

To be the first blogger on your block to tell you that Britney Spears tried to kill herself last night.

The article also says that a source close to Ms. Spears revealed that the singer wants her estranged husband Kevin "K-Fed" Federline to take her crazy ass back.

Maybe this is all a trick. Sure, there have been the rumours that she shaved her head because she was worried The Fed would find drugs in it, and that she's left rehab like 4 times, and that she has to borrow bikinis from strangers, and that she has purchased no less than $240 worth of pudding (Awwwwww yeah) for two gentlemen named Barry & Levon.

Dude, these are mostly facts. (I read them on the World Wide Interweb.)

Perhaps she's testing ol' K-Fizzle.

Think about it. With Britney's background, she's lucky she's only got two kids that she isn't raising in a swamp, amusing herself putting blond wigs on alligators. Her DNA can't figure out how/why she doesn't have a wardrobe that consists solely of Tweety Bird and Tasmanian Devil t-shirts and "her jellies".

Maybe she's seeing just how far she can string her man out before he takes her back. I figured she'd go the "entire softball team in an hour including pictures and some video (with sound)"-route, but she bypassed it and went straight for the "pretend to hang myself in my $10,000 a day treatment facility". Now, when K-to-tha-F takes her back, the first thing she'll do is take off her shoe and beat his cowering ass with it, screaming "Who's crazy now? Not ol' Jack Tripper!! Not ME!!!"

Don't believe me? What's David Mamet doing right now? Anybody seen him?

Didn't think so.



Ed note: What's really great about this episode of Ms. Spears' unraveling (for me) is both the lunacy of it, "Britney wrote 666 on her shaved head, and ran around the clinic screaming 'I am the Antichrist!'" and the absence of any inappropriate photography I might feel the need to post.

See - I'm applying for a grant from the NEA (I can be jobless forever!) and I don't think that they take kindly to posted photos of starlets running around all high on methadone with their hoo-hoo holes vaginas all hanging out and sh*t. (They're sticklers for anatomical accuracy, too)