No Brunch This Week

Weak sauce, for sure.


In my defense I would like to produce the telephone number I Gmail'd myself.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Deke Shipp
Date: Jul 29, 2007 2:44 AM
Subject:
To: kingofallwookies@gmail.com


9r7 34001704

Keep in mind, members of the jury, the giver was Russian, had just moved to Brooklyn, and told me she was very something that sounded a lot like "lonely".

Stifled by my inability to crack my own brilliant code and the solid 5 hour drizzle drill conducted from 11:00-5:00PM, I missed my favorite repast of the week.

Thanks, not, to Iceman and Cousin Charlie for putting me there.

Nobody Ever Asks If I Want Bag

I work in a building on Canal St. in the fake bag district of New York City's Chinatown.

Here, thousand of unattractive middle-aged whites moo their way up and down the streets they pack looking over I (Heart) NY shirts and fake Dior sunglasses.

What they are really in my neighborhood to do is buy fake designer handbags. Every time I emerge from the subway or finish crossing an intersection I hear it:

Baeg? Baeg? You wan baeg? Chanel. Fendi. Coach? Baeg?

Right in front of my very eyes one of the most sacred American laws is being broken by the people who claim divine right to the freedoms we hold. Never mind that intellectual property is the driving force behind competition in our economy. Where do these people think the bags are made?

Ohio?

Depending on who you ask, the bags are made in China or sweatshops in bellies of the giant industrial spaces that make up a great deal of the neighborhood's charcter. I prefer the latter, as it lends itself rather unromantic indentured servant vibe:

Wang's mother had been dead for little over a year, and the beatings from her father were becoming more frequent and brutal. The local pimp was a friend to her brothers and even in a town of 2.5 million poor Chinese, word travels fast. Then, one night a handsome stranger asked Wang if she knew of "Amelica". A week later she was loaded into a shipping container from which she would not emerge for 8 horrifying days.

Right?

Basically the whole thing is like a giant wook parking lot, which some people claim is really this thing called a bazaar. I say fuck that. Have you ever huffed nitrous at a Bazaar? You think the people at Harper's are listening to Air, giving each other backrubs in the break room? Fuck that.
What? Good god fucking damn it, I'm hung.

Next week, kids.

About The Author

Ready to waste the rest of your day? Just type in "Muppets" on YouTube and click away.

Thanks to Chief Imus Killer for the link (he's the guy in the pictures).

Brunch Is Back, Son!

I'm bringin' this sh*t directly back to its roots.

Brunch.

New York City brunch to be exact. That's right, kids - The 'Mania has up and moved itself to Brooklyn and seeing as the editor-in-chief is currently employed, there will be brunch.

For those unfamiliar with the glory days of The 'Mania's brunch-stravaganza, the criteria are as follows: I eat eggs benedict, I drink a bloody mary and I observe. Simple. Used to be just on Sundays, but up here they gots brunch on Saturday, too!

Next, I relay my opinion on the benny, the bloody, the price, and the service on a .05-5.00 scale with no standard increment between. I may reference the experience of other diners, but since this is about the science of brunch, I maintain a control, me, allowing you, the reader, to expertly and accurately interpret posted results.

Shall we?

SATURDAY
Les Enfants Terribles

I will readily admit that I can be a pain in the colon to brunch with, for I hold certain truths to be self evident. For example - "Brunch is not brunch without bloody marys," is a good one. One day I may not order one. But until then, and even then, I demand the option. Thus, I had to strike down poor Mollywood's intitial spot for to do the brunching.

"Couldn't you just have a mimosa?"

So, around the corner we strolled to Les Enfants Terrible, a small Bistro bordering Chinatown on the LES that posts which type of mussels they will be serving in the evening. Bonus, right? The place was near dead, with one two tables inside and a couple folks at the bar.

BLOODY: (1.5 of 5)

Not based on the fact that we had to order it at the same time as our meal (service)
there was no love here. Spicy to overshadow the fact that the cocktail had no taste. Also, I believe it was made with Aristocrat vodka, which is akin to offering your uncle a drink and then karate chopping him in the throat. My companion took a hearty sip of hers and was done.

SERVICE: (1 of 5)

I will try and stretch this rant out over the course of many posts, but I have yet to get good service in New York. As mentioned before, the place was dead and the waitress didn't get our drink order first; she waited until we were all the way ready. Thanks.

She was cute, saving her the one point. Really cute actually.

Our drinks took a while, for which the bartender, I'm sure, shares the blame. He was a classic LES drink slinger - tall, skinny, clever (read: expensive) t-shirt, some form of mullet/rat tail, and general ennui for the whole "doing his job" thing.

Actually, you know what? The waitress was really cute. I'll give her another .5 for that.

The hummus we ordered as an appetizer came out at the same time as our bennys and steak and eggs.

BENNY: (4 of 5)

Pretty effing good. My companion likes her muffins toasted, which they weren't, but I'm pretty nonchalant about that. One egg was poached perfectly, while the other one was overdone. CAbacon was nice and thin. But the kicker were the taters and the greens. A whole mess o' full on Belgian-style frites, golden crispy, and a well dressed mesclun salad rounded out the sizable plate. The hummus stuff was ish - babbaganoosh (sp?), tapenade, hummus and salsa, and is not included in the score.

PRICE: (2.5 of 5)

Around $65 (with tax, no tip) for 2 bennys, steak frite, hummus plate, OJ, and 2 bloodys. No real sticker shock upon delivery, but then I remembered that poured my bloody using a $7.99/L bottle of Molotov cocktail and was unimpressed.

In summation, if I lived on the block and it was my super-different pal working behind the bar, I might go back for a lazy afternoon (I think they had TV), but it's not worth crossing the river for.

Les Enfants Terribles
37 Canal St. NY, NY 10002
212.777.7518
Cash or AmEx only


SATURDAY
The Lodge

This was not my first brunch at The Lodge. In fact, I've eaten brunch there, in the same seat served by the same waitress several times now.

It's a pretty great place for brunch. Essentially open air, the joint has a nice bar / waiting / couch area and plenty oold chairs to sit in and old tables to lean on. Some brunches lucky diners get to listen to PM Dawn-era early nineties slow jams, and mostly that all my emotions take take on a Sunday afternoon.

BLOODY: (5 of 5)

2 for 1.

Seriously.

Served in mason jars with a lemon (correct!) and a long toothpick of olives, the perfectly spicy, and on this occasion extra-Worcestershirey, bloodys have horseradish you can bite.

Did I mention that they're 2 for 1?

SERVICE: (2 of 5)

Did I mention I've had the same waitress a couple of times?

This bitch is lazy. Straight up. That or rude and stupid.

Two bloodys, two bennys. They came pretty quick via a runner. Asked him for a side of bacon. The waitress, busy blowing the cook for a fix? deciding what new clever tattoos look best of pale skin? never got the message. No effing bacon.

The hostess, who is lovely, saw that we had stacked our plates and brought the check. I feel bad about the 2, because the support staff is very good and very friendly.

BENNY: (4 of 5)

In between our waitress leaving us to take a shit and never coming back, the eggs were delightful. Both perfectly poached on a lightly toasted English muffin, with a nice slice of CAbacon in between. The potatoes were rosemary hashbrowns which probably come from a bag, but if so, the bag was dusted with happy memories and teddy bear hugs.

PRICE: (5 of 5)

2 bennys: $16
4 bloodys: $14

I'm always happy to pick up the check at Lodge brunch.

Overall a great experience, perfect for slungover people-watching, and it's only a bike ride from my place. A friend of a friend just started to wait there and he's a lifer, so maybe things are looking up. Heard dinner's pretty excellent, too.

The Lodge
318 Grand @ Havemeyer
Brooklyn, NY G-MAP
718.486.9400