S-s-s-s-Saaantaaaaaaaaahnaaaaaaa MOSS!

From a man who's bust talks to John Madden's every night in Canton, OH when the cleaning crew leaves the Pro Football Hall o' Fame

"I can only brag on (Santana) as much as I can brag on him," Redskins Coach Joe Gibbs said. "I haven't had anybody who has made more plays than what he's made for us, or meant more to the team." (Ed: The itlaics are mine.)

As long as the Washington Macacas are running the ball with two tackles and a guard in front of the ball carrier, whether it be on a pitch, toss, stretch, or screen, they will continue to win games. When Clinton Portis is doing the ball-carrying, The Washington Redskins are the best team in the Eastern Division of the Nation Football Conference, and perhaps the entire National Football League.

I was wrong about Mark Brunell. Again. He still throws three to five passes a game that miss open to semi-open receivers, and that isn't going to win many playoff games, but as long as he continues to hit the above-mentioned Santana Moss in stride, The Washington Redskins continue to win football games.

Haven't heard about Shawn Springs. I say - rest him this week (@ Giants), rest him next week (Tennessee), and rest him the week after that (Indianapolis). Worst case scenario - we drop two of three and go in to the bye 3-4. With a healthy Springs/Portis/Brunell (sounds crazy, eh?)/Offensive Line after the bye week, knowing that they need to win seven of their last nine, The Washington Redskins can challenge any professional football team in America.

The game Sunday is a tough one for me to pick, because I just can't see this Giants team going 1-3, and being 2 1/2 games behind the Redskins and the loser of Cowboys/Eagles at 3-2, with the winner up 3 1/2 games. There's two much talent on all eight sides of the ball in the division. However, The 'Skins look good: The offense will still have hiccups, but The Dirtbags are murdering the line of scrimmage right now. Sacks by Henderson/Stroud of Jacksonville last week: Zed. Osi and Strahan and that kid from BC are good, but not there isn't a much better pair of tackles than those two.

Pick: Toss Up.

Approaching Week 5 notes-

• Donovan McNabb looks good. Philly looks beatable, especially if you can run through the middle of their line and stretch their linebacks. Their secondary swarms but ends up making a very suspicious amount of tackles on running plays. Their receivers are still dropping the ball, and Brian Westbrook's knee still isn't entirely healthy. All this being said - McNabb looks good.
  

• The Dolphins stink. Culpepper stinks.
  

• Tennessee stinks. Everyone except Jeff Fisher stinks in Tennessee. That Haynesworth douchebag should have been suspended for the entire season and be forced to go before the NFL before being cleared to play (medical) next year. Stomp the Cowboys all you want. That sh*t was gay.
  

• Steve McNair is awesome. The Ravens are going to win a lot of football games this year.
  

• Uncle Charlie's Smokehouse has recently surpassed "Naked in a hottub with two girls from Iceland" as the greatest place to watch the NFL on Sundays. 152" of HDTV and another 135" pumping the other important games of the day via The Sunday Ticket. And there's beer.
  

Go 'Skins.

The Final Countdown

Baba-baaaaa-buh Baba-bun-bun-bun Baba-baaaaa-buh Baba-bun-bun-bun-ba-bun Baba-baaaaa-buh Baba-bun-bun-bun Baba-baaaaa-buh Baba-bun-bun-bun-ba-buuuuuh-bababuuuh-baba-bun-bun-bun-bun-bun-baaaah-buuuuuuun....
Dut-diggit-di-diggit-di-diggit-di-duh-dun

How 'bout them Skeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeens?

Have Faith. Have Great Faith.

"I'm not out there to prove anybody wrong. That's not my job," Brunell said. "My job is to do what I can do to help us win. Like I said, I understand there's a lot of stuff that's being said, I haven't paid attention to them. All I can focus on is leading this team and getting us on track and winning a football game, just one football game now." - Washington Redskins QB Mark Brunnell

Yes, the Redskins have looked dreadful. Last year's team looked dreadful going into Week 3, but was 2-0 thanks to Kyle Boller and Roy Williams. (I would like to thank Roy Williams for these.)

Let's look at some of the admittedly few achievements of the 2006 Redskins:

• Terrell Owens, one of the three best receivers in professional football, will have terrible nightmares about Sean Taylor for the rest of the season (Taylor, by the by, laid Owens out several times in 2004 when Owens was an Iggle)
• Derrick Frost's 8 (!?!?!?!?!?!) punts averaged 51.6 yards

Yeah, there was the kick return in Dallas, Sean Taylor's ridiculous strip of Julius Jones that occured maybe four inches above the ground, and....f*ck....the Minnesota game was sh*t on wheels and our front four has gotten no pass rush, and Carlos Rogers Year 2 is no Champ Bailey Year 2 (he's been this good since he stepped on the field...) Brunell is missing open recievers, Cooley and Moss haven't even combined for 100 yards, let alone Brandon Lloyd having not caught a pass....Ugh.

We will, however, kick the d*ck out of the Texans. Who cares what the line is. Take the 'Skins and the points and buy your poodle a new haircut.

Duh

Click.

My Great Faith in The US Military

The cover story of the most recent issue of The Atlantic Monthly describes the ramifications of the eventual fall of The People's Republic of North Korea (slogan: "You've got Cheerios? We surrender!) and the resulting power play between the US, Japan and China for control of the penninsula.

Not much there for your average Wookiemaniac, I know, but I had to share this quote from someone named only "Colonel Maxwell":

(Regarding a collapse of Kin Jong Il's government) We might have to mount a relief operation at the same time that we'd be conducting combat ops. If there is anybody in the UN who thinks it will just be a matter of feeding people, they're smoking dope.

You can just picture this guy sitting behind a desk with in a khaki-colored office, which is being cooled only by an rickety fan, the venetian blinds of its one window holding back none of the tropical sunlight behind it, Glenn Miller Orchestra playing through a transistor radio, and you feel good that the US Military cyrogenically froze this guy in 1957 and only thaws him out to do interviews about Korea.

Why The Redskins WILL Be 1-0

"If I felt like this wasn't the right situation, I wouldn't have done it, because it wouldn't have been good for me and it wouldn't have been good for Joe. He was very sure about what he wanted to do and I was humbled that he would feel so strongly that he wanted me to do this for him. I'm hopeful that I can do for him what I did for Dick and allow him to be the head football coach and not worry about the offense. There was no hesitation on my part, because I know Joe too well as a man. I'm just very honored and privileged to be here with him." Again, Al Saunders, Redskins Assistant Coach - Offense

Uncle Charlie's Smokehouse

"There was a thing called Heaven; but all the same they used to drink enormous quantities of alcohol." -Aldous Huxley, Brave New World, 1932

My time and efforts of late have been poured into what is possibly the most wonderful place in the history of Earth to drink beer and eat what are, by any and every estimation I've encountered, the greatest chicken wings ever to be eaten by mortals.

We'll be featuring every* game of the upcoming NFL season, continuing our run of fantastic music on Friday and Saturday nights (thanks to booking agent extraordinaire Al "The Pineapple" Hinton) and dancing our asses off on Wednesday nights at a weekly dance party so special that it actually has incited wars in several former British protectorates.

Follow this link for updates, coupons, and band schedules.

Or go get f*cked.

Why We'll Win

"We've had too much success in this offense, in San Diego, St. Louis, Kansas City over the past 26 years to not be confident of this process." Al Saunders, Washington Redskins Assistant Head Coach - Offense

Yeah, I Was In High School Band

So what, motherf*cker?

Chris Cooley as Author of This Blog

Wait...Wait...

PRODUCER 1: OK, David - Weef got un $3,000 budget for your latest vi...

DH: "Whoa! I'm The Hoff! $3,000?!? That's a f*cking outrage. I was paid $5,000 just to lend my name to the Executive Producer credit of the Baywatch Pilot."

PRODUCER1: (Murmers back and forth with other producer. Lots of shrugging of shoulders) OK, David....

DH: "Call me 'The Hoff'."

PROCUDER2: "David zat's a li..."

DH: "The HOFF."

PRODUCER1: "...............Fine...Ze Hoff. We're willing to borrow anossa $500 from ze studio, but zat's more zen zey'll probably gif us."

DH: "The Hoff is listening."

PROCUDER1 &2: (Stunned)

DH: "Have, uh, you guys seen 'The Matrix'?"

PRODUCER1: "Yesen, Day...Mr. Ze Hoff. We haf seeen 'Ze May-tricksssss.'"

DH: Did you see, um, at the, uh, end when, uh, Neo is, like, totally flying?"

PRODUCER1: "Yesen, Mr. Ze Hoffff. We saw ze end off ze movie wheren Neo iz fly-ink."

DH: "I wanna do that."

PRODUCER1: "Zat will be hart on $3,500-ish, but we will fielm you in front of ze blu scren."

DH: "I wanna ride a motorcycle, too. But I, uh, I want to fly on it. Too."

PRODUCER2: "Fine."

DH: "I wanna snowboard, too. And eat a fish. While I'm f*cking snowboarding."

PRDOCUER2: "Fine."

DH: "I want angels. This video f*cking MEANS something, you know?"

PRODUCER2: "David, procu..."

DH: "THE HOFF! What don't you f*cking idiots understand?!? Do you know who I am? I'm The Mutha-F*ckin' H-to-tha-iz-off. God damn it. (To the secretary) Hey baby - why don't you, ah, bring The Hoff another one of those, um, drinky-do's, awright?"

SECRETARY: "You meen ze bourbon and haf-und-haf in ze peetcher?"

DH: "That's right. (Winks)"

Ladies and Gentlemen - Prepare to be "Hooked" on The Hoff.

The Hoff

The Hoff. The Hoff. The Hoff. The Hoff.

It may be the only thing I'm able to say for the next few weeks.



It's perfect. It's just so perfect.

Thanks to The Superficial for being my original source for this awesomeness.

Patrick Swayze?!?

I thought that Scientology was just a weirdo cult for celebrities that gets you to admit in an "auidt" that you like the (little) boys, then blackmails you with that information for the rest of your life...Have you seen Roadhouse? Lately?

No?

That's totally OK. Check out this slideshow of famous and former famous Scientologists.

Yo' Boy

NOTE: Model discovered in the DOs and DON'Ts section of Vice Mgazine.

Finally....

Upon returning from yet another hibernation that (as no great surprise to friends and associates of the editor-in-chief) came on suddenly, was uninterruptable, and lasted longer than one would assume it would, I have become fascinated by the YouTube.

Having begun to recieve several videos a week from my colleagues, I began using the service's search engine. As the below post-hibernation posts show, I am now slightly obssessed. Super.

However, it dawned upon me that I had yet to engage the search engine with the most important strain of all: Wookies.



The Lord giveth; The Lord taketh away.

Methinks I'm due for some severe take-awayething.

The Sexiest Song Ever Written

As performed by the greatest band on the planet.

Rearn Engrish

Watch the entire video. Madness ensues.

Manbearpig Spottings Wanted

Check this out.

For those of you who do obey when commanded library-style, ABC News wants you to send them eyewitness accounts of global warming. Eyewitness accounts of a phenomenom most closely identified with the melting of the polar ice caps. An everyday yarn. Like how a pattern of worldwide temperature increase has made your ice melt, well, just a little faster than it did when you were a youngster. Everybody seems just a little, well, taller than they did back then, too.

There is no proof of global warming.

Here is a chart of the record high and low temperatures by month and the cities in which they recorded for The Commonwealth of Virginia.

Feb.	84	1950	Clarksville	–30	1985	Mt. Lake Biological Station
March	87	1932	Roanoke	–29	1899	Monterey
April	96	1907	Arvonia	–15	1914	Burkes Garden
May	100	1925	Hopewell	0	1982	Floyd
June	105	1970	St. Paul*	15	1986	Marion
July	107	1934	Lincoln	26	1930	Burkes Garden
Aug.	110	1954	Balcony Falls	31	1926	Burkes Garden
Sept.	109	1983	Colonial Beach	31	1986	Big Meadows*
Oct.	108	1932	Lincoln	20	1989	Mt. Lake Biological Station
Nov.	101	1941	Walkerton	9	1952	Burkes Garden
Dec.	91	1971	Chincoteague Wildlife Refuge	–3	1970	Partlow
	85	1998	Colonial Beach	–27	1917	Blacksburg*

Here are some mean temperatures in Farenheit for Virginia as provided by The NCDC

1901 - 53.7
1911 - 56
1921 - 57.6
1931 - 56.9
1941 - 56.1
1951 - 55.7
1961 - 55
1971 - 55.4
1981 - 53.9
1991 - 57.2
2001 - 55.7

The average of this sample? 55.7F

So how has global warming affected me? I drink more now...I guess because it's hotter.

The World Cup Will Do This to You...

Steve: it's on
and fuck ghana
Sent at 11:35 PM on Wednesday
me: in a couple hours
until then...they're in no need of fucking, i'm sure
that's their main export isn't it?
Steve: i'm trying to get you pumped
me: I've got three women from Ghana under my desk right now for that
Steve: i expected no less
Sent at 11:41 PM on Wednesday
me: Those Italians are gonna choke, though
you know it
Like a Fiat on a hill
Steve: all we have to do is win by 5
easy
me: if we win and the Czechs lose, we're in, no?
Steve: yeah, but if win by 5 we don't have to rely on the italians
we win, that is
me: thanks, Dr. Tanner
Steve: i try to keep you informed
me: but the italians still have to try, because if they tie, and the Ghananananas beat us, then by goals, the Ghaneseians and the Czechs are in, no?
Steve: I think if we don't beat ghana it doesn't matter, we're out
me: No...we must beat the Ghanarians
Steve: if we somehow tie someone in points and goal differential though, it's decided by lots
how lame is that shit
me: lots?
makes me long for real football
Steve: yeah, we don't pull that shit here
i say settle it with a good old fashioned cage match
me: with nuclear weapons
ooooops! sorry Ghana.....
Steve: we win the only games that matter....war
me: and Iron Chef
Steve: yes, of course
Sent at 11:48 PM on Wed

Did you know...

Wookies hibernate.

Everyone knows this. Where are my 37 year old acne-scarred homies on this one? At home with their mothers -- I know.

Why do I bring this up? Because I arose from my furry slumber this morning to this: http://huuuuuurrnnnnnnnnnnn.blogspot.com/
(Ed: Not to be confused with http://huuuuurnnnnnnnnn.blogspot.com/ or http://huuuuuuuuurrnnnnnn.blogspot.com, of course)

So.....sleepy....

Playoffs? A Roundup of Week 17

GREATEST STORY FROM THE SH*TTIEST SPORTS TOWN IN AMERICA

The Washington Post is reporting that the toothless hooker girlfriend of a an Eagles fan decided to show her dedication to her meth-dealing boyfriend's favorite franchise during Sunday's game:

In the fourth quarter, (Clinton) Portis's mother, Rhonnel Hearn, was sitting in the end zone at Lincoln Financial Field with Portis's stepfather and some friends when an Eagles fan apparently tossed a beer on the group. Portis's mother responded by punching the woman in the face, Portis said.

Nothing available to me on this mortal coil could make me happier than seeing a female Eagles fan bleeding from her face.

Except a win on Saturday. Go 'Skins.

ODDS ARE

WOOKIEMANIA does not endorse gambling or suggest that anyone who reads this publication gamble, but if you happen to be in Las Vegas, or the Cayman Islands, or Monte Carlo (for the Wookiemania Sports Car and International Heiress Extravaganza) the smart money this weekend is on:

Washington (+2.5) at Tampa Bay

Patriots (+7.5) hosting Jacksonville

Cincinnati (+3) hosting Pittsburgh

Carolina (+3) at New Jersey

That's right, baby. All the dogs. Every single one.

A Very Special Message From the Vice King

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!
2006 the year of the WOOKIE
peace,
vice king
p.s. go big blue