Why Am I Awake?

To be the first blogger on your block to tell you that Britney Spears tried to kill herself last night.

The article also says that a source close to Ms. Spears revealed that the singer wants her estranged husband Kevin "K-Fed" Federline to take her crazy ass back.

Maybe this is all a trick. Sure, there have been the rumours that she shaved her head because she was worried The Fed would find drugs in it, and that she's left rehab like 4 times, and that she has to borrow bikinis from strangers, and that she has purchased no less than $240 worth of pudding (Awwwwww yeah) for two gentlemen named Barry & Levon.

Dude, these are mostly facts. (I read them on the World Wide Interweb.)

Perhaps she's testing ol' K-Fizzle.

Think about it. With Britney's background, she's lucky she's only got two kids that she isn't raising in a swamp, amusing herself putting blond wigs on alligators. Her DNA can't figure out how/why she doesn't have a wardrobe that consists solely of Tweety Bird and Tasmanian Devil t-shirts and "her jellies".

Maybe she's seeing just how far she can string her man out before he takes her back. I figured she'd go the "entire softball team in an hour including pictures and some video (with sound)"-route, but she bypassed it and went straight for the "pretend to hang myself in my $10,000 a day treatment facility". Now, when K-to-tha-F takes her back, the first thing she'll do is take off her shoe and beat his cowering ass with it, screaming "Who's crazy now? Not ol' Jack Tripper!! Not ME!!!"

Don't believe me? What's David Mamet doing right now? Anybody seen him?

Didn't think so.



Ed note: What's really great about this episode of Ms. Spears' unraveling (for me) is both the lunacy of it, "Britney wrote 666 on her shaved head, and ran around the clinic screaming 'I am the Antichrist!'" and the absence of any inappropriate photography I might feel the need to post.

See - I'm applying for a grant from the NEA (I can be jobless forever!) and I don't think that they take kindly to posted photos of starlets running around all high on methadone with their hoo-hoo holes vaginas all hanging out and sh*t. (They're sticklers for anatomical accuracy, too)