Guilt

I promised myself I'd never do it again, and I've broken that promise.

From the day that New York City was attacked to the moment Saddam Hussein's statue was symbolically torn from it's moorings to the delight of litteraly dozens of cheering Iraqi men, I was consumed by cable news. That's roughly a year and a half.

I can remember watching the video of the latter with Dr. von Slantersberg (who's back at the blog - Hooray!). The sight of a tank bearing my flag doing what we were told was another peoples' bidding thousands of miles away churned something so vile from the pit of my stomach that I turned away and didn't look back.

Until yesterday.

I've spent at least five hours watching CNN and Fox News (hilarious!) since then, which is somewhat remarkable for a non-cable subscriber, and I will certainly watch more. The watching is not what bothers me. Aside for the media's complete side-step of the issue of race, the journalism, like what came from those embedded in the invasion, strikes a nice balance between compelling and informative.

What bothers me is that I want things to get worse.

Something in my subconscious yearns for another levee to burst, for a gang war to break out on the steps of The Superdome - something worse than the already catastrophic scenes I've witnessed. WHY?

Are the mothers right? Have I been desensitized? I don't think so, as my horror at a discussion on looting (that, again, tippytoed around race) last night would lead me to believe.

Perhaps I want to witness an event live, one that occurs while I'm watching, to validate my feelings about the flood. I've been trying to make an honest connection to a city that has welcomed me as many times as most I've visited, yet the helplessness I feel, watching this horror in this unreachable land, is palpable.


Then there is the twice aforementioned issue of race. I could sugar-coat this and say "99% of the people who have been filmed looting, paddling through the streets, or otherwise have been black." Bullsh*t. Everyone that was stranded is black.

What will linger in my memory long after the water is pumped away are the images of obese women and children, all of them black, who probably make up a good portion of the 30% of New Orleans' population which lives under the poverty line. It's hard for me to listen to reports on the increasingly criticized second-wave evacuation efforts and detach the lack of mobilization with the skin color of the people in the federal government's charge.

I saw President Clinton mention during an interview that the Prime Minister of Sri Lanka, one of the nations razed by the New Years Tsunami, had expressed his people's interest in helping the people they saw on television; people as unfortunate, before and after disaster, as them. Upon hearing this story, one of my closest advisors, in a cautious, semi-whisper deadpan replied, "Do you think they'll get as many donations, based on the faces of the disaster, as the Tsunami did?" Without waiting for a reply, she added, in the same hushed tone, "Wouldn't that be horrible?"


Perhaps I watch for a darker reason. A year ago, as Ivan roared through the Gulf of Mexico, many people were predicting a great flood would follow a direct hit of New Orleans. I don't remember exactly what I said or who I said it to, but it was something along the lines of "I'm kinda rooting for the hurricane to crush New Orleans". I guess I thought it would be kinda neat.

I will continue to watch in horror as my wish comes true.

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Donations -

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