Fantasy football is a tea party for football nerds like me. It works like this: A group of (sort of) grown men pretend that we own football teams in an imaginary league. Stats win games. Wins and losses are decided by individual players' stats. Stats only. We then discuss with each other and the owners of other fake teams in made-up leagues how our teams that aren't real are doing. We might as well sip fake beer out of empty mugs while watching a cardboard television in someone's treehouse (bar).
I'm going to the playoffs that are so bogus that they begin Week 14, in my league this year and will likely win the whole shebang if I'm not kicked out prior for "conduct detrimental to a bunch of tofu-raised rodeo clown fluffers (READ: the other 'owners')." SEE BELOW - I'm Billingsworth
I promise you this, fair reader(s) - Upon securing the not-real-at-all Championship this year I use my newfound nonexistent media exposure to help single mothers in Darfur learn how to read. Spanish.
I will also use the very real, cold, hard cash winnings from this year's league to buy pornography for all of the younger siblings of the other owners in my league.
| Man, Oh Man | ||
| Don Billingsworth | Posted: Oct 29, 4:39 PM 1 Reply | Edit |
| Team Billingsworth | Except for my little run-ins with Dreamboat and Purple Jesus, Team Billingsworth rolls on. I'm reminded of a note I got from the ass-jamming hippie in Vermont advising me as to my "rookie move" of not starting a running back several weeks ago. Hey, Cherry Garcia - Did you see how I left a receiver slot open this week, guy? I know! Rookie bullshit! Did you also see I'm one shy of century mark ahead of you in total points AND just knocked you out of 2nd place? Have fun looking up my kilt for the rest of the season, Jefferson Airplane. When I win this thing, I really hope you get second so you can pay for that vaginoplasty. -Sean Taylor | |
| Re: Man, Oh Man | ||
| David Goodlund | Posted: Oct 31, 4:42 PM | |
| Vermont Funkin' N... | I really can't wait until next year when your not in our league. I wish Jason wouldn't have invited such an egocentric fucking asshole into the league I set up. Fuck you and your ego that must make up for the size of your cock. Post edited: Oct 31, 4:40 PM by David Goodlund | |
