7.05.2005

Deep Impact...hehehehe...or Wookies In Space

This July 4th, NASA's Deep Impact probe crashed into its target, the comet Tempel I, successfully completing one of the most scientifically advanced and improbable feats in the agency's recently bespeckled history. Obviously, your first question, intrepid reader, is:

Where does WookieMania stand on NASA?

Check it - I'm all for keeping space away from the private sector and slippery countries like Greece. At the current, space belongs to 'merica, which gives us patents on numerous inventions necessary for space travel that (who knew?!?) we couldn't live with here on Earth, the most obvious being freeze-dried ice cream.

The above are all excellent reasons to spend several billion dollars we don't have every year on NASA. They pale in comparison, however, to the best reason of all to send that money down to Houston: Saving the human race (again) from anihilation.

Oh, sure - we're spending all this money to shoot a probe at a comet, which (will, directly after said "probe*" takes one "picture" of said "comet", according to my calculations, vaporize the "comet", much like what happened to Alderon after the Death Star heard that said planet was overheard calling it "not a planet at all...a space station" and "prancy") happens to be "hurtling" "close" to "Earth".

Oh sure, the Illuminati is telling the nerds at mission control that they're studying the space rock, or that all they're doing is trying to hit the spaceship that runs across the top of the screen in a super advanced level of Space Invaders. Could you imagine if they told those NASA geeks that, if they f*cked up, there would be absolutely no more Star Trek, they would all die as virgins, and that they simply be moving in to afterlife apartments with their mothers? No pressure.

So remember - not only does your country love you enough to save you from certain doom, but for that part of the meager $16.2 billion they're giving NASA this year, your government employed the most brilliant rocket scientists in the world, who were given the most sophisticated computers in the world to give you the greatest fireworks display you never saw this July 4th.

America. F*ck yeah.

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