Real Men Wear Helmets Made of Real Animals

Back when I used to work in customer service for a certain "out there" band from San Francisco that has been touring for a good many years and has a Spinal Tap-esque rate of departure of its member, I came across a number of "out there" people.

There was the late alleged-Dr. Frank Milostan Jr., who could receive no "naked mail" (items sent to him not enclosed in an envelope or casing of some sort).

There was that guy in Ames, Iowa who used to call and ask for me by name every hour on the hour to inquire as to the location of his Steal Your Face bar stools that had not yet arrived for Christmas time, and remind me that I had ruined Christmas. Not just his Christmas, mind you - Chirstmas.

It really was enough to drive someone like me to their level of crazy during the other 16 hours of the day and weekends. Luckily, I had a good sense of humor about it ("Do you think that Bobby's short-shorts negatively affected his playing") and I had a beautiful, funny cigarette-smoking wookette sitting next to me. She ended up marrying some stupid doctor who, I swear this is true to the great Wookie in the Sky, had to go to Tennessee in order to pass his boards.

Well it wasn't but last week that I saw these two out at a bar (at, like 5:00PM - way to go, Doc) and, after boxing the completely-hammered doctor to the ground and getting him to admit that his wife didn't take his last name because she really wanted to take mine, but thought it would be awkward to explain to our children whom he would someday raise and send to college, whilst speaking of the good ole days, the wookette reminded me of my favorite crazy of all: Atilla The Helmet.

You're a Harley-ridin' chain-smoker who lives somewhere in Idaho with his bike, his booze, and his old lady - in that order (making you an average reader of WookieMania and a member of our target market). You say, "Screw helmet laws," don't you, tough guy?

WRONG. You embrace them and use them as an excuse to use an entire mountain lion to shield your dome. You then fly in the face of TheMan even further by buying your best girl a bikini made of beaver pelt.

Gotta run, kids. Christmas is only 150 days away.