Uncle Charlie's Smokehouse

"There was a thing called Heaven; but all the same they used to drink enormous quantities of alcohol." -Aldous Huxley, Brave New World, 1932

My time and efforts of late have been poured into what is possibly the most wonderful place in the history of Earth to drink beer and eat what are, by any and every estimation I've encountered, the greatest chicken wings ever to be eaten by mortals.

We'll be featuring every* game of the upcoming NFL season, continuing our run of fantastic music on Friday and Saturday nights (thanks to booking agent extraordinaire Al "The Pineapple" Hinton) and dancing our asses off on Wednesday nights at a weekly dance party so special that it actually has incited wars in several former British protectorates.

Follow this link for updates, coupons, and band schedules.

Or go get f*cked.

Why We'll Win

"We've had too much success in this offense, in San Diego, St. Louis, Kansas City over the past 26 years to not be confident of this process." Al Saunders, Washington Redskins Assistant Head Coach - Offense

Yeah, I Was In High School Band

So what, motherf*cker?

Chris Cooley as Author of This Blog

Wait...Wait...

PRODUCER 1: OK, David - Weef got un $3,000 budget for your latest vi...

DH: "Whoa! I'm The Hoff! $3,000?!? That's a f*cking outrage. I was paid $5,000 just to lend my name to the Executive Producer credit of the Baywatch Pilot."

PRODUCER1: (Murmers back and forth with other producer. Lots of shrugging of shoulders) OK, David....

DH: "Call me 'The Hoff'."

PROCUDER2: "David zat's a li..."

DH: "The HOFF."

PRODUCER1: "...............Fine...Ze Hoff. We're willing to borrow anossa $500 from ze studio, but zat's more zen zey'll probably gif us."

DH: "The Hoff is listening."

PROCUDER1 &2: (Stunned)

DH: "Have, uh, you guys seen 'The Matrix'?"

PRODUCER1: "Yesen, Day...Mr. Ze Hoff. We haf seeen 'Ze May-tricksssss.'"

DH: Did you see, um, at the, uh, end when, uh, Neo is, like, totally flying?"

PRODUCER1: "Yesen, Mr. Ze Hoffff. We saw ze end off ze movie wheren Neo iz fly-ink."

DH: "I wanna do that."

PRODUCER1: "Zat will be hart on $3,500-ish, but we will fielm you in front of ze blu scren."

DH: "I wanna ride a motorcycle, too. But I, uh, I want to fly on it. Too."

PRODUCER2: "Fine."

DH: "I wanna snowboard, too. And eat a fish. While I'm f*cking snowboarding."

PRDOCUER2: "Fine."

DH: "I want angels. This video f*cking MEANS something, you know?"

PRODUCER2: "David, procu..."

DH: "THE HOFF! What don't you f*cking idiots understand?!? Do you know who I am? I'm The Mutha-F*ckin' H-to-tha-iz-off. God damn it. (To the secretary) Hey baby - why don't you, ah, bring The Hoff another one of those, um, drinky-do's, awright?"

SECRETARY: "You meen ze bourbon and haf-und-haf in ze peetcher?"

DH: "That's right. (Winks)"

Ladies and Gentlemen - Prepare to be "Hooked" on The Hoff.

The Hoff

The Hoff. The Hoff. The Hoff. The Hoff.

It may be the only thing I'm able to say for the next few weeks.



It's perfect. It's just so perfect.

Thanks to The Superficial for being my original source for this awesomeness.

Patrick Swayze?!?

I thought that Scientology was just a weirdo cult for celebrities that gets you to admit in an "auidt" that you like the (little) boys, then blackmails you with that information for the rest of your life...Have you seen Roadhouse? Lately?

No?

That's totally OK. Check out this slideshow of famous and former famous Scientologists.

Yo' Boy

NOTE: Model discovered in the DOs and DON'Ts section of Vice Mgazine.

Finally....

Upon returning from yet another hibernation that (as no great surprise to friends and associates of the editor-in-chief) came on suddenly, was uninterruptable, and lasted longer than one would assume it would, I have become fascinated by the YouTube.

Having begun to recieve several videos a week from my colleagues, I began using the service's search engine. As the below post-hibernation posts show, I am now slightly obssessed. Super.

However, it dawned upon me that I had yet to engage the search engine with the most important strain of all: Wookies.



The Lord giveth; The Lord taketh away.

Methinks I'm due for some severe take-awayething.

The Sexiest Song Ever Written

As performed by the greatest band on the planet.

Rearn Engrish

Watch the entire video. Madness ensues.

Manbearpig Spottings Wanted

Check this out.

For those of you who do obey when commanded library-style, ABC News wants you to send them eyewitness accounts of global warming. Eyewitness accounts of a phenomenom most closely identified with the melting of the polar ice caps. An everyday yarn. Like how a pattern of worldwide temperature increase has made your ice melt, well, just a little faster than it did when you were a youngster. Everybody seems just a little, well, taller than they did back then, too.

There is no proof of global warming.

Here is a chart of the record high and low temperatures by month and the cities in which they recorded for The Commonwealth of Virginia.

Feb.	84	1950	Clarksville	–30	1985	Mt. Lake Biological Station
March	87	1932	Roanoke	–29	1899	Monterey
April	96	1907	Arvonia	–15	1914	Burkes Garden
May	100	1925	Hopewell	0	1982	Floyd
June	105	1970	St. Paul*	15	1986	Marion
July	107	1934	Lincoln	26	1930	Burkes Garden
Aug.	110	1954	Balcony Falls	31	1926	Burkes Garden
Sept.	109	1983	Colonial Beach	31	1986	Big Meadows*
Oct.	108	1932	Lincoln	20	1989	Mt. Lake Biological Station
Nov.	101	1941	Walkerton	9	1952	Burkes Garden
Dec.	91	1971	Chincoteague Wildlife Refuge	–3	1970	Partlow
	85	1998	Colonial Beach	–27	1917	Blacksburg*

Here are some mean temperatures in Farenheit for Virginia as provided by The NCDC

1901 - 53.7
1911 - 56
1921 - 57.6
1931 - 56.9
1941 - 56.1
1951 - 55.7
1961 - 55
1971 - 55.4
1981 - 53.9
1991 - 57.2
2001 - 55.7

The average of this sample? 55.7F

So how has global warming affected me? I drink more now...I guess because it's hotter.

The World Cup Will Do This to You...

Steve: it's on
and fuck ghana
Sent at 11:35 PM on Wednesday
me: in a couple hours
until then...they're in no need of fucking, i'm sure
that's their main export isn't it?
Steve: i'm trying to get you pumped
me: I've got three women from Ghana under my desk right now for that
Steve: i expected no less
Sent at 11:41 PM on Wednesday
me: Those Italians are gonna choke, though
you know it
Like a Fiat on a hill
Steve: all we have to do is win by 5
easy
me: if we win and the Czechs lose, we're in, no?
Steve: yeah, but if win by 5 we don't have to rely on the italians
we win, that is
me: thanks, Dr. Tanner
Steve: i try to keep you informed
me: but the italians still have to try, because if they tie, and the Ghananananas beat us, then by goals, the Ghaneseians and the Czechs are in, no?
Steve: I think if we don't beat ghana it doesn't matter, we're out
me: No...we must beat the Ghanarians
Steve: if we somehow tie someone in points and goal differential though, it's decided by lots
how lame is that shit
me: lots?
makes me long for real football
Steve: yeah, we don't pull that shit here
i say settle it with a good old fashioned cage match
me: with nuclear weapons
ooooops! sorry Ghana.....
Steve: we win the only games that matter....war
me: and Iron Chef
Steve: yes, of course
Sent at 11:48 PM on Wed

Did you know...

Wookies hibernate.

Everyone knows this. Where are my 37 year old acne-scarred homies on this one? At home with their mothers -- I know.

Why do I bring this up? Because I arose from my furry slumber this morning to this: http://huuuuuurrnnnnnnnnnnn.blogspot.com/
(Ed: Not to be confused with http://huuuuurnnnnnnnnn.blogspot.com/ or http://huuuuuuuuurrnnnnnn.blogspot.com, of course)

So.....sleepy....

Playoffs? A Roundup of Week 17

GREATEST STORY FROM THE SH*TTIEST SPORTS TOWN IN AMERICA

The Washington Post is reporting that the toothless hooker girlfriend of a an Eagles fan decided to show her dedication to her meth-dealing boyfriend's favorite franchise during Sunday's game:

In the fourth quarter, (Clinton) Portis's mother, Rhonnel Hearn, was sitting in the end zone at Lincoln Financial Field with Portis's stepfather and some friends when an Eagles fan apparently tossed a beer on the group. Portis's mother responded by punching the woman in the face, Portis said.

Nothing available to me on this mortal coil could make me happier than seeing a female Eagles fan bleeding from her face.

Except a win on Saturday. Go 'Skins.

ODDS ARE

WOOKIEMANIA does not endorse gambling or suggest that anyone who reads this publication gamble, but if you happen to be in Las Vegas, or the Cayman Islands, or Monte Carlo (for the Wookiemania Sports Car and International Heiress Extravaganza) the smart money this weekend is on:

Washington (+2.5) at Tampa Bay

Patriots (+7.5) hosting Jacksonville

Cincinnati (+3) hosting Pittsburgh

Carolina (+3) at New Jersey

That's right, baby. All the dogs. Every single one.

A Very Special Message From the Vice King

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!
2006 the year of the WOOKIE
peace,
vice king
p.s. go big blue

Destined to Become a Holiday Classic

The Twelve Drives of Bledsoe...

On the first play from Bledsoe, my defense gave to me...
a pick that became a TD!
On the second drive from Bledsoe, my defense gave to me...
three false starts, two big sacks and a missed field goal for big D! (editorial note: there was holding on this series, not called, by D that should have never let them get to kick a field goal)
On the third drive from Bledsoe, my defense gave to me...
three tiny runs, two for no gain, and a weak little punt from big D!
On the fourth drive from Bledsoe, my defense gave to me...
four pass attempts, three penalties, two dropped balls, and another little
punt from big D!
On the fifth drive from Bledsoe, my defense gave to me...
A Yellow Holding Flag! two incompletes and a 24 yard punt from big D!
On the sixth drive from Bledsoe, my defense gave to me...
a pick with a de-clined penalty

And then, halftime.

On the seventh drive from Bledsoe my defense gave to me...
seventeen sack yards and a fumble that became a TD!
On the eighth drive from Bledsoe my defense gave to me...
eight more sack yards and a weak little punt from big D!
On the ninth drive from Bledsoe my defense gave to me...
Daniels third sack and a fifteen yard punt from big D!
On the tenth drive from Bledsoe my defense took a nap...

On the eleventh drive from Bledsoe my defense gave to me...
Daniels fourth sack and another three and out for big D!
On the twelfth drive from Bledsoe my defense gave to me...
three incompletes, two time outs, one intentional grounding,
and a pick that let the Redskins take a knee!

Thanks to Uncle Charlie

This Time I Really F*cking Mean It

Merry Christmas.

Bitches.

Being Wrong Never Tasted So Right

As Presi-editor-man of Wookiemania, I feel the need to address a couple of things pertaining to the site. I will also be practicing my rhetorical question dialogue exercises at the same time:

DUDE: Why haven't you posted more than an article a week in, like, two months, brah?

KING OF ALL WOOKIES: Wookies hibernate. Duh. Gotta get ready for the New Years run, right brah?

DUDE: Brah - Sick! You goin' to Panic in the ATL? What about John Brown's Body in Balti...

KOAW: (interrupting) Stay on topic.

DUDE: Totally, man. My bad.........OK...um, hang on, dude...What were we talking about?

KOWA: The Chernobyl Flying Donkey Dance Parade.

DUDE: Really?

KOAW: No. We were talking about Wookiemania.

DUDE: Really? 'Cause I heard they were gonna play the side stage at the 'Roo this year...

KOAW: ...

DUDE: Nah. Seriously, brah - CFDDP opened, like, four dates on...

KOAW: Shut up. Please. I hate the phrase "shut up". It's dismissive and cruel. In this case, however, please, shut up.

DUDE: Whatever, brah. You're such a hater.

KOAW: Moving along, fervent readers may have noticed that the subtitle on the header of the site is still a link to the Katrina donations page for the Red Cross. This is no mistake, and is actually extremely important at this time of year. The supply at food banks across the country is taxed this time every year, and the increased stress on the national banks who diverted so much of their resources to the Gulf Coast region in September will need extra income and food to meet the gap.

Dude: Hey, man. That was Ohhhhh K. Maybe your not so bad...

KOAW: Mikey Houser's guitar sounds better today than it did, say, I don't know...three years ago.

Dude: F*ck you.

Happy Holidays, wooksters.